Thursday, April 12, 2012

Bad News



I'm officially non-op. I saw the Grand Poobah of doctors Tuesday (I have 4). He told me that it would be incredibly dangerous for me to have GRS. I could die or become very ill.

It wasn't unexpected. My health has improved in the last 2 years and I got my hopes up. One doc even told me that I could do an orchi and penectomy if I wanted. Without the GRS though, it just doesn't make sense to me.

I have a sense of disappointment. I'm going to have to make my way in the world as a chick with a dick. I could seek another opinion but I don't think I'd find another transplant surgeon who thought otherwise. I'm a pre-op liver transplant patient. The stress of the GRS could put me into liver failure and I would need an emergency transplant. If a suitable doner could be found. On top of that my blood doesn't clot.

My doctor didn't forbid me from doing it. He just laid out the risks and made a compelling argument against GRS. Ultimately it's my decision. I'm not ready to die yet so I'll have to live with it.

The truth is I knew it was a possibility but I hoped for improvement that would put me over the top. I didn't improve, in fact I'm a little worse than I was at the last appointment.

It was foolish of me to get my hopes up. On an intellectual level I know that I'm not going to get better. I'm stable and that may continue for some time but I'll never improve. Eventually I'll start to decline and need the TX.

As I write this I'm starting to cry. I feel damn bad about it. No GRS, a premature death and a life filled with disease. I caught HCV when I was 18 yo for Christ's sake. I tried IV drugs a handful of times. 20 years later I'm haemorrhaging in my living room. I never even new I had it!

Originally published 11/18/2006

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